TEXT ARCHIVE
NICHOLAS KATSAFANAS
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Texts applying statistical analysis to Big Pun's rhyme schemes to compose fractal stories.

"PATRIOTISM RUNS COUNTER TO ORDINARY HUMAN MORALITY" [2026]: In a dystopian parallel universe the American public is becoming ominously literate, suddenly preferring to consume elegantly composed texts as opposed to watching grown men play videogames on smartphones. In this milieu, the phenomena of a perhaps criminally erudite electorate is explored via the beleaguered livestreamer Nikolaos Enrique Iglesias and his best friend Curtis, a pansexual porno actor who knows better than anyone how to transcribe spoken words into texts. Forced by apocalyptic market pressures to turn his freeform thoughts into written language, Nikolaos begins to inadvertently construct a sort of mnemonic cartography (for commercial use).
Formats: EXCEL | PDF | EBOOK
Concepts: Geometric Expressionism; Diagrammatic Subjectivity; Sal Paradise


"KOREATOWN BOK CHOY" [2025]: Jo Yu-Ri hires this well-endowed Greek demigod named Priapus to help cultivate her bok choy in Midtown Manhattan with his curiously botanical phallus, but he's kind of promiscuous? Is that an issue? Or do her and her friend Araqi fundamentally misunderstand the nature of numbers?
Formats: EXCEL | PDF | EBOOK
Concepts:: Botanical SciFi Crime Mysteries; Greco-Druzian Metaphysics; The Nature of Form Numbers


"THE MADNESS OF A CLOUD" [2025]: Cloud Strife spends 7 days getting blackout drunk in 7th Heaven, vigorously discussing what he views as some of the central underpinnings of modern day Simulation Theory.
Formats: EXCEL | PDF | EBOOK
Concepts: FFVII Fan Fiction; Eleatic Monism; Infinite Regressions of the Tech Douche


PREPARING TO PERUSE A HISTORICAL MONOGRAPH" [2022]: A certain monograph on the so-called Last Emperor of the Greeks is curiously on sale in the Amazon Kindle Store.


"THE WORLD DIVIDES INTO FACTS" [2025]: Reimi and Buddy share what can only be deemed God-given honest opinions that they have every right to express on their trip to East Asia. Then Reimi and her sister Nikke take in an anonymous French Mannerist's painting. Finally, Reimi shares with Buddy a particularly noteworthy month-long "falling into a portal" that her sister Nikke recently endured.
Formats: EXCEL
Audio Excerpt


"12 TONES OF TUMULT (VICISSITUDES ARE NORMATIVE)" [2024]: Two MUFON detectives investigate a paranormal microtonal piano. Then they're propositioned by an alleged FBI agent in a Health & Beauty aisle of a local Walmart.


"MECHANISM + DIALOGUE" [2025]: A precocious remote viewer, Ingo S, encounters a variety of entities in his cosmic sojourns. An orb, a female floor fan, and even a tic tac shaped "UAP"!


"TEXTSPLIT NBA CRIME STORIES" [2023]: The TEXTSPLIT Excel formula is employed to arrange a few narrative about select former NBA players engaging in criminal schemes in a variety of parallel universes.


"AN ESSAY ABOUT A DREAM" [2021]: A man wakes up from a dream where he was fornicating with two ladies. One was black. The other a white. But both were essentially the same person.


"THE 1999 NEW YORK KNICKS" [2023]: Rick Brunson is the business of selling sex toys for house pets. It's a start up obviously. It's about breaking new ground. It's about being empowered by innovation at the end of the day. And Rick just hired Larry Johnson to help him expand his business, really take it to the next level. He's thinking this is the hire that's going to take this whole endeavor fucking public.


"THEORIES OF THE WESTERN WORLD" [2021]: John Romanides explains the true nature of the so-called "Western" world to a group of fervent acolytes.
Concepts: The Fall of Constantinople in 1204; Craft Beer


"BLOVIATING SOFTLY" [2021]: A curiously unnamed narrator, after a plethora of digressions to an apparent audience of one, relays his experience of being forced to sit next to a couple who despises him at a wedding of a mutual long-time friend. It was disgusting really.
Concepts: Nihilism; Wedding Planning

OTHER

"BODY HAIR AWARENESS MONTH" [2024]: Each stanza consists of 34-55 syllables. These 28 poems were the basis for the record of the same name, where each piece was recited at approximately 377 syllables per minute (1.618x the 233 SPM of normal speech) with the voice memo used a piece of "musique concrete." The voice memos were then juxtaposed with 89 BPM electronic backdrops.
Formats: MP3 + STREAMING
Concepts: Faux-Glitch; Post-Text-Sound-Composition; A Rap Record

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